5/12/2009

Who would have thought we would turn out like this?
You melt my heart with each little kiss.
It's crazy the happiness I feel,
Just being around you,
I can be so real.

It's the best feeling when you hold me tight.
Don't ever let go.
It feels so right.
In your arms is where I want to stay,
By your side,
Don't ever go away.

Why?!?!?!

So I feel like lately it's just harder to get back to the normal me. I'm honestly trying so hard but every time I try to do something out of my box it feels like I'm stuck behind a brick wall. The thing that people don't understand is it's so hard to do the everyday normal things. I want to go to the movies, go to parties, take a vacation to see a friend, go to the lake, hang out with out worrying. I don't know what's going on to make me this person but I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. It's so hard to just change my ways because I don't want to be like this the rest of my life. It's only going to ruin relationships and friendships. I hate being like this. I miss the fun times going out and doing random things. I honestly feel like I'm at my breaking point. I'm trying to be positive daily and continue on with my life but how can I be happy when I know I'm wasting my life away with everything going on. I want to have the happy memories with friends and this is what brings me down even more. I'm not making them. I try to push and push myself but when the time comes to do the task I back out. Why?
I feel like stuff going on with my dad isn't helping either. Why now that I'm an adult does he want to play dad? Where was he when I was growing up and needed him?Is it bad that I really don't mind not seeing him now? I feel like such an awful person saying that but I just feel like he's trying to be the dad I needed all along and it's not going to happen. I'm an adult and I'm pretty much set in my ways. I just hate how he calls and wants to do something and if I'm busy it feels like it's my fault. Why now??? I hate how all these years I've kept my mouth shut and felt like I could never talk to my dad because he would blow up and we would get in a fight. Well now that I'm older its literally making me sick to keep these feelings in. But being me I still don't say how I feel. Why?

Everything feels different!!

So I haven't blogged in awhile which feels so weird. I was blogging almost everyday. Well since March I've stuck to my word and done with the shit he put me through. I've realized that I deserve better and I'm not looking back!
My birthday was 2 weeks ago and it was a lot of fun. I'm not going to lie I freaked out the day before my birthday because I realized I'm not a teen anymore. I have to be responsible. LOL... It was kind of crazy but then the next day I realized nothing is different :) I hung out with my mom,Gina, Kara, and Charity on my birthday. Leave it to:)
I started dating one of my friends. It's been so much fun because we just goof around and have a lot of fun together. It's crazy how much you think you know someone and then you hang out more and you realized their totally different. He's a pretty amazing guy and makes me feel wonderful :)
Last Friday was my last day of school.. Now I'm just working on my research paper to send in by Thursday and then I'm on summer vacation!!! score!!! I plan on working a lot this summer and hanging out with friends!!!
Well that's all thats been going on in my life I'll have to make sure that I blog more!!! :)