Why?!?!?!

So I feel like lately it's just harder to get back to the normal me. I'm honestly trying so hard but every time I try to do something out of my box it feels like I'm stuck behind a brick wall. The thing that people don't understand is it's so hard to do the everyday normal things. I want to go to the movies, go to parties, take a vacation to see a friend, go to the lake, hang out with out worrying. I don't know what's going on to make me this person but I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. It's so hard to just change my ways because I don't want to be like this the rest of my life. It's only going to ruin relationships and friendships. I hate being like this. I miss the fun times going out and doing random things. I honestly feel like I'm at my breaking point. I'm trying to be positive daily and continue on with my life but how can I be happy when I know I'm wasting my life away with everything going on. I want to have the happy memories with friends and this is what brings me down even more. I'm not making them. I try to push and push myself but when the time comes to do the task I back out. Why?
I feel like stuff going on with my dad isn't helping either. Why now that I'm an adult does he want to play dad? Where was he when I was growing up and needed him?Is it bad that I really don't mind not seeing him now? I feel like such an awful person saying that but I just feel like he's trying to be the dad I needed all along and it's not going to happen. I'm an adult and I'm pretty much set in my ways. I just hate how he calls and wants to do something and if I'm busy it feels like it's my fault. Why now??? I hate how all these years I've kept my mouth shut and felt like I could never talk to my dad because he would blow up and we would get in a fight. Well now that I'm older its literally making me sick to keep these feelings in. But being me I still don't say how I feel. Why?