November 5, 2009

Why am I always so unsure of myself? I second guess every decision I try to make. I'm ready to just be sure of all my decisions and know that I'm choosing the best one for me!
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I want to start writing poems again but nothing comes to me anymore. Have I lost it? lol..

5/12/2009

Who would have thought we would turn out like this?
You melt my heart with each little kiss.
It's crazy the happiness I feel,
Just being around you,
I can be so real.

It's the best feeling when you hold me tight.
Don't ever let go.
It feels so right.
In your arms is where I want to stay,
By your side,
Don't ever go away.

Why?!?!?!

So I feel like lately it's just harder to get back to the normal me. I'm honestly trying so hard but every time I try to do something out of my box it feels like I'm stuck behind a brick wall. The thing that people don't understand is it's so hard to do the everyday normal things. I want to go to the movies, go to parties, take a vacation to see a friend, go to the lake, hang out with out worrying. I don't know what's going on to make me this person but I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. It's so hard to just change my ways because I don't want to be like this the rest of my life. It's only going to ruin relationships and friendships. I hate being like this. I miss the fun times going out and doing random things. I honestly feel like I'm at my breaking point. I'm trying to be positive daily and continue on with my life but how can I be happy when I know I'm wasting my life away with everything going on. I want to have the happy memories with friends and this is what brings me down even more. I'm not making them. I try to push and push myself but when the time comes to do the task I back out. Why?
I feel like stuff going on with my dad isn't helping either. Why now that I'm an adult does he want to play dad? Where was he when I was growing up and needed him?Is it bad that I really don't mind not seeing him now? I feel like such an awful person saying that but I just feel like he's trying to be the dad I needed all along and it's not going to happen. I'm an adult and I'm pretty much set in my ways. I just hate how he calls and wants to do something and if I'm busy it feels like it's my fault. Why now??? I hate how all these years I've kept my mouth shut and felt like I could never talk to my dad because he would blow up and we would get in a fight. Well now that I'm older its literally making me sick to keep these feelings in. But being me I still don't say how I feel. Why?

Everything feels different!!

So I haven't blogged in awhile which feels so weird. I was blogging almost everyday. Well since March I've stuck to my word and done with the shit he put me through. I've realized that I deserve better and I'm not looking back!
My birthday was 2 weeks ago and it was a lot of fun. I'm not going to lie I freaked out the day before my birthday because I realized I'm not a teen anymore. I have to be responsible. LOL... It was kind of crazy but then the next day I realized nothing is different :) I hung out with my mom,Gina, Kara, and Charity on my birthday. Leave it to:)
I started dating one of my friends. It's been so much fun because we just goof around and have a lot of fun together. It's crazy how much you think you know someone and then you hang out more and you realized their totally different. He's a pretty amazing guy and makes me feel wonderful :)
Last Friday was my last day of school.. Now I'm just working on my research paper to send in by Thursday and then I'm on summer vacation!!! score!!! I plan on working a lot this summer and hanging out with friends!!!
Well that's all thats been going on in my life I'll have to make sure that I blog more!!! :)

Something New.....

I'm starting something new
and letting go of the past.
It's time to move on
and finally be happy at last.
Those dreams are over,
their dead and gone,
You've shown me by now
how your Mr. Wrong.
I'm ready to find my Mr. Right.
Even if it takes me every
day, noon, and night.
I know theres someone made just for me!
So I'm going to find him,
You wait and see!

What a night....

Wow so pretty excited about my accomplishments last night..... So basically Griz had this crazy idea to get me a fake id wow.... didnt think i would ever do that!!! ekkk.... but anyway i got into flashbacks with out a problem and then when we got to pieres they def tested me but i had a fun night with the girls.....
I love my girls for trying to get me out of this funk!!!! :)

Frustrated!

So I feel like at this point nothing is ever going to change... I'll always be the boring/worrier that i am now! argh... It feels like I worry over everything and i can't control it.... Half the time i dont even know what i'm worrying about.... It's gotten to the point where i don't even really go to school anymore.... I'm going to try taking online classes next semester and see how that goes until I get my life all settled.... I just feel like I'm always worrying about my dad not having a job, my moms financial situation, college and my own life.... It feels like theres a big weight on my shoulders that I can't get off... argh I know eventually it will get better!!! It can only get better from here right?!?!?so Charity's moving to pittsburg for awhile :( who am i going to make fun of now for all the blonde moments haha jp! i heart her!!!

It's been awhile....

Wow so I think this is the longest that I've gone without blogging!!!! haha Could we say a little addicted for awhile?!?!?! I think so! Wow so not alot has been going on in my life.... I'm such a boring person!!! I feel like im forever around children.... I seriously have babysat for the past 3 weekends so when 2 families asked this weekend I had to say no.... I hate to do it because it's easy money but I need a break from the kids for awhile lol....St Pattys Day was pretty interesting haha..... def felt the effects this morning.... wow thats the reason why I don't drink on school nights!!! erkkkk... So I'm pretty much really ready for summer right now!!! I'm trying to stay motivated at school but honestly it's just not working so well right now....Argh.... I so need to start doing better!!! Well that's pretty much it!