Today my wife told me that she wanted a divorce, it's also my 39th birthday. For my birthday present she gave me a subscription to match.com
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Today I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that i had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong date for 16 years.
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Today my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt very sick. I went to his house to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk into his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive our mom drove her there.
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Today I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we won't have to worry about boys for another two years.
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Today I was introduced to my boyfriends family at their family reunion for the first time. As I sat on the couch, his 4 year old sister comes in and jumps on my lap. For a moment I was happy to think that his sister liked me, only to hear her say "Your Fat" I like fat things.
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Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she randomly asked me" does he take his leg off while you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy that I had been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked "does he beat you with it too when you've been naughty?"
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Today I walked home from a guy's dorm early in the morning, still wearing my dress and heels from the night before. I walked by a mother and little girl, who said " Mommy why is she so dressed up this early in the morning?" and the mom replied " because she makes bad decisions honey."
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Today I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter then his and at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said, yea i just wish your vag was the same way.
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Today I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and i were going to have sex for the first time.When I opened the drawer, I saw that every condom had a jesus pin stabbed through it,and a note on top of the box : love mom.
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