November 5, 2009

Why am I always so unsure of myself? I second guess every decision I try to make. I'm ready to just be sure of all my decisions and know that I'm choosing the best one for me!
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I want to start writing poems again but nothing comes to me anymore. Have I lost it? lol..

5/12/2009

Who would have thought we would turn out like this?
You melt my heart with each little kiss.
It's crazy the happiness I feel,
Just being around you,
I can be so real.

It's the best feeling when you hold me tight.
Don't ever let go.
It feels so right.
In your arms is where I want to stay,
By your side,
Don't ever go away.

Why?!?!?!

So I feel like lately it's just harder to get back to the normal me. I'm honestly trying so hard but every time I try to do something out of my box it feels like I'm stuck behind a brick wall. The thing that people don't understand is it's so hard to do the everyday normal things. I want to go to the movies, go to parties, take a vacation to see a friend, go to the lake, hang out with out worrying. I don't know what's going on to make me this person but I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. It's so hard to just change my ways because I don't want to be like this the rest of my life. It's only going to ruin relationships and friendships. I hate being like this. I miss the fun times going out and doing random things. I honestly feel like I'm at my breaking point. I'm trying to be positive daily and continue on with my life but how can I be happy when I know I'm wasting my life away with everything going on. I want to have the happy memories with friends and this is what brings me down even more. I'm not making them. I try to push and push myself but when the time comes to do the task I back out. Why?
I feel like stuff going on with my dad isn't helping either. Why now that I'm an adult does he want to play dad? Where was he when I was growing up and needed him?Is it bad that I really don't mind not seeing him now? I feel like such an awful person saying that but I just feel like he's trying to be the dad I needed all along and it's not going to happen. I'm an adult and I'm pretty much set in my ways. I just hate how he calls and wants to do something and if I'm busy it feels like it's my fault. Why now??? I hate how all these years I've kept my mouth shut and felt like I could never talk to my dad because he would blow up and we would get in a fight. Well now that I'm older its literally making me sick to keep these feelings in. But being me I still don't say how I feel. Why?

Everything feels different!!

So I haven't blogged in awhile which feels so weird. I was blogging almost everyday. Well since March I've stuck to my word and done with the shit he put me through. I've realized that I deserve better and I'm not looking back!
My birthday was 2 weeks ago and it was a lot of fun. I'm not going to lie I freaked out the day before my birthday because I realized I'm not a teen anymore. I have to be responsible. LOL... It was kind of crazy but then the next day I realized nothing is different :) I hung out with my mom,Gina, Kara, and Charity on my birthday. Leave it to:)
I started dating one of my friends. It's been so much fun because we just goof around and have a lot of fun together. It's crazy how much you think you know someone and then you hang out more and you realized their totally different. He's a pretty amazing guy and makes me feel wonderful :)
Last Friday was my last day of school.. Now I'm just working on my research paper to send in by Thursday and then I'm on summer vacation!!! score!!! I plan on working a lot this summer and hanging out with friends!!!
Well that's all thats been going on in my life I'll have to make sure that I blog more!!! :)

Something New.....

I'm starting something new
and letting go of the past.
It's time to move on
and finally be happy at last.
Those dreams are over,
their dead and gone,
You've shown me by now
how your Mr. Wrong.
I'm ready to find my Mr. Right.
Even if it takes me every
day, noon, and night.
I know theres someone made just for me!
So I'm going to find him,
You wait and see!

What a night....

Wow so pretty excited about my accomplishments last night..... So basically Griz had this crazy idea to get me a fake id wow.... didnt think i would ever do that!!! ekkk.... but anyway i got into flashbacks with out a problem and then when we got to pieres they def tested me but i had a fun night with the girls.....
I love my girls for trying to get me out of this funk!!!! :)

Frustrated!

So I feel like at this point nothing is ever going to change... I'll always be the boring/worrier that i am now! argh... It feels like I worry over everything and i can't control it.... Half the time i dont even know what i'm worrying about.... It's gotten to the point where i don't even really go to school anymore.... I'm going to try taking online classes next semester and see how that goes until I get my life all settled.... I just feel like I'm always worrying about my dad not having a job, my moms financial situation, college and my own life.... It feels like theres a big weight on my shoulders that I can't get off... argh I know eventually it will get better!!! It can only get better from here right?!?!?so Charity's moving to pittsburg for awhile :( who am i going to make fun of now for all the blonde moments haha jp! i heart her!!!

It's been awhile....

Wow so I think this is the longest that I've gone without blogging!!!! haha Could we say a little addicted for awhile?!?!?! I think so! Wow so not alot has been going on in my life.... I'm such a boring person!!! I feel like im forever around children.... I seriously have babysat for the past 3 weekends so when 2 families asked this weekend I had to say no.... I hate to do it because it's easy money but I need a break from the kids for awhile lol....St Pattys Day was pretty interesting haha..... def felt the effects this morning.... wow thats the reason why I don't drink on school nights!!! erkkkk... So I'm pretty much really ready for summer right now!!! I'm trying to stay motivated at school but honestly it's just not working so well right now....Argh.... I so need to start doing better!!! Well that's pretty much it!

Blah

Wow so lets see what's new! I went and hung out with Ben the other night and we just chilled and watched movies.... Ha we got bored so we started painting lol... strangely enough i kinda love it! :) So Allie and I painted again last night lol! (nerds? possibly!)
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Boy Situation: I'm finally going to stick to my word and not talk to him... I can't keep going on like this...argh he frustrates me so much! I'm done! starting now lol for real this time!
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Pretty much having the most boring spring break EVER!!!!!!! I've seriously just been working and that is it! I did get my hair done on Tuesday though... that's always a major plus! lol well thats about it nothing much more going on errrgghhhhhh

Strength?!?!?!

Do I have the strength it takes to wait?
How much longer will this be?
As time goes on I'm starting to wonder if we will ever be?
It breaks my heart to say this because I know your the one for me....
There will never be another man that's more perfect for me...
You don't know the way you make me feel...
How does one person have every piece of me?

.::.Summer.::.

So I think that summer needs to hurry and get here.... The drive to the lake with Charity was amazing.... It felt nice to open the sunroof!!! ahhhh this is going to make the rest of the school year go by sooo slow.... I'm ready to lay out at the lake and Charitys pool... I told her we should just go out this weekend get in our swim suits and lay out in the pool lol even though it's only like 40 degrees and raining :)
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So it's spring break and I really don't have anything planned! Is it bad that I feel like the worlds biggest bum???? I'm just going to work and get my hair done! yay.... have to love the visits to Jen!
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I babysat last night for Hayden and Riley! They are seriously the cutest/ most rotten little boys ever! Hayden is just sooo precious too... We watched cartoons and had pizza and pickles lol... what a combo!

My favorites from www.fmylife.com

Today my wife told me that she wanted a divorce, it's also my 39th birthday. For my birthday present she gave me a subscription to match.com
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Today I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that i had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong date for 16 years.
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Today my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt very sick. I went to his house to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk into his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive our mom drove her there.
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Today I got my braces on. When we got in the car my dad looked over and said "well at least we won't have to worry about boys for another two years.
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Today I was introduced to my boyfriends family at their family reunion for the first time. As I sat on the couch, his 4 year old sister comes in and jumps on my lap. For a moment I was happy to think that his sister liked me, only to hear her say "Your Fat" I like fat things.
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Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she randomly asked me" does he take his leg off while you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy that I had been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked "does he beat you with it too when you've been naughty?"
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Today I walked home from a guy's dorm early in the morning, still wearing my dress and heels from the night before. I walked by a mother and little girl, who said " Mommy why is she so dressed up this early in the morning?" and the mom replied " because she makes bad decisions honey."
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Today I was teasing my boyfriend telling him that my butt was so much cuter then his and at least mine wasn't smelly stinky or hairy. Then he said, yea i just wish your vag was the same way.
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Today I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and i were going to have sex for the first time.When I opened the drawer, I saw that every condom had a jesus pin stabbed through it,and a note on top of the box : love mom.
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.::.Friends.::.

So I think I need to go out and hang out with friends... I'm ready to have some crazy fun like i used too!!! Spring break is almost here and wow I have nothing to do at all!!! :( I really don't know what's been up with me lately but I'm soooo tired of it.... I feel like a fricken hermit!!!

Damn Doctors!!! The sequel!!!

Wow I think my doctor is crazy!!!! How the hell do you get allergies when I really have strep???? bahahah prob shouldnt have been at work around all the children!!! ekkkk I think its time to switch!
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Plus side I talked to the boy and finally said everything that I felt I needed to and got everything off my chest.... I feel relieved just to know how he feels about everything and it kinda gives me comfort!!!!

I will NEVER in my life try to put anything together again!!!!!

Stephanie

i broke my shelf already

9:48pmCharity

oh brother u would

9:50pmStephanie

its just the back part

9:50pmCharity

u have got to be the most clumsiest person i know

9:51pmStephanie

um hello your the queen of clumsy

9:51pmCharity

we can share the crown

9:51pmStephanie

nope

9:56pmStephanie

i REALLY fucked this up

9:56pmCharity

hehehehe

9:56pmStephanie

no

not hehehehe

i turned it the wrong way argh

9:57pmCharity

u would you dumbshit

9:57pmStephanie

you should see me trying to pull this off i have my legs in there and trying to pull the side off

its quite comical

9:57pmCharity

dont worry im already laughing

9:58pmStephanie

and im pulling and pulling and i look im pulling the end thats closed i have to pull from the other side

9:58pmCharity

wow

9:58pmStephanie

ya

9:58pmCharity

tell ur mom to grab her cmaera

9:59pmStephanie

shes in the bath and im in my undies

9:59pmCharity

camera

good lord put some clothes on!

9:59pmStephanie

no i like being nakie

9:59pmCharity

omg how did we ever become firends?! lol

10:00pmStephanie

because i bring excitement to your life

10:00pmCharity

tue very true

10:00pmStephanie

ya

i need HELP

10:01pmCharity

im at home

cant help ya

10:01pmStephanie

argh

10:01pmCharity

plus only professionals can give u the kind of help u need ;)

10:02pmStephanie

there goes my dreams of being an engineer

10:02pmCharity

probably

10:03pmStephanie

thats why the back wasnt going on right because the side was wrong

10:03pmCharity

der

10:03pmStephanie

hence the reason i broke the back

and now i just broke a screq

screw\

10:03pmCharity

take it back and lie and say it came that way lol

10:04pmStephanie

ive beat this thing way to bad to take it back now

10:04pmCharity

how do u break a screw?!

10:04pmStephanie

i was trying to get the back off and the top shot off

10:04pmCharity

i have tears im laughing so hard picturing htis

10:05pmStephanie

omg

this this is awful

10:05pmCharity

u and ur crack pot job of putting things together

10:06pmStephanie

i know damn shelves this is the LAST time i do this

wait i have to buy one more tomorrow but then its the last time

can i borrow andrew to put shit together from now on?

10:06pmCharity

dont break that one!

]ask him lol

10:06pmStephanie

i know maybe ill wait till the medicine kicks in seriously my brain hasnt been working

10:07pmCharity

jsut what u need,,, more drugs

10:07pmStephanie

AMEN SISTER

10:07pmCharity

i gotta go get in the shower

10:08pmStephanie

fine

10:08pmCharity

bye

Thank God!!!

So they aren't taking him to Afghanistan yet.... I could tell that he was sooo unhappy and I feel bad being happy that he's not going but it's just so hard to be ok with him going over there... Not knowing how he's doing or talking to him whenever I want.... Its just hard.... He puts up a front and I think he is excited but he doesn't let us see that he's scared too!!!! I don't know what's going to happen... I want him to be happy but safe as well!!! His crazy personality still has me laughing though... I asked why they weren't sending him and he said he didn't know probably because they just spent so much money sending marines over and he would get over there and end it all i was just like o brother ( my charity phrase o brother) hehe!!!

Really?!?!?!

wow so the boy text me today.... crazy as it sounds..... we got to talk for a little bit then this afternoon he told me he volunteered to go to Afghanistan... I guess I've really been nieve about this day... he still doesnt know if he's going for sure but should find out tomorrow.... ahhhh.... i hate this!!!
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other then that nothing really happened today... I got up and went to the chiro.... nothing to unusal... then went to work like always!!! ahhhh i really don't feel like doing this math homework!! :(
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I'm officially going to panama!!!! score only 6 more months lol

Story of my life!

Piercings!

So I'm officially not allowed to hang out with my friends Steph anymore... lol.... this girl has like 12 tattoos and tons of piercings and when I'm around her i want to go crazy and get something pierced lol.... Soooooo last night I got my nose pierced lol.... YAY I've been wanting it for awhile and she was the one to push me to actually do it lol.... I"m such a chicken!!! lol..... I love it though....

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So school...ARGH!!!. I'm pretty much stressing about this next paper I have to write... I have no idea how I'm going to get 5 pages when I don't have that much information.... CRAZINESS!!! But I got an A on the paper about my grandpa..... score!!! I think that's like the first A on a paper that I've earned lol.....

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Cali is getting groomed today so she won't be such a hot mess..... She's been needing it I can't even see her eyes anymore!!! I want to paint her nails when I get a chance lol..... She is always sooooo precious!!! I need to get more bows for her hair toooo lol... i LOVE my puppy!!!

Life is Unpredictable

A girl from high school died today... she was only 22.... It's so crazy because she was sooo young.... it really showed me that you don't know how long your going to have someone and to cherish them as much as you can!!! It's just unrealistic to me... she was always so sweet when we had child development together :( RIP Emily

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I'm pretty much ready for summer.... School is so discouraging for me... I try to keep pushing myself but I feel like I can't.... I really hope I don't lose the motivation to graduate... I know it's going to take me longer but I'm willing to do that as long as I get a degree!!! ahhhh..... What happened to the days when I didn't have to study and still got B's????

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So today all I really did was work... I got up and went to work from 9-6 today.... Then came home and did some tax stuff, homework ( yay go me) and then went and got some ice cream with momma!!!! lol.... I can't believe just the other day I was wearing flip flops and tomorrow were supposed to have snow!!! lol... This Indiana weather is killing me lol!!! It's just so crazy how its so drastic.....

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haha.... so I'm still doing good on the not texting the boy... why am I so dumb sometimes??? I let him walk all over me and am totally fine with that??? Why can I change and just realize I deserve better!!!!!

Priority

Don't make someone a PRIORITY if your only their OPTION!!!

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Wow.... so going to live by this from now on!!! I'm so tired of feeling like I give my all and get nothing in return.... Granted I know were not together but how much would it hurt to be like hey steph whats up or hey steph how are you today.... real cool! argh.... I'm done feeling like I'm not worth his time! argh men!!! I think one day he'll realize the way that he treats me but I hope that I'm over him by then so he knows how I've felt all along... I seriously feel like I'm on a little string that he likes to play with!!! I just don't understand at all... It's time to be done and I'm really going to try this time... No answering the text or the phone calls.... he's going to see what it feels like!

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Happier note.... WERE GOING TO PANAMA THIS SUMMER!!! score!!! lol.... I'm just hoping it's nice weather and we don't ever come back lol!!! It will so be worth it to just relax on the beach and not have any worries for the week! plus i feel like i need a road trip right about now!!! I want to do something different and see new things!!!

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So I was looking through old cheerleading pics and although I don't miss cheerleading I do miss the trip to Tulsa.... I just looked back and remembered all the fun things that we did and the inside jokes!!! I wish cheerleading would have been the same this year... I just didn't feel a connection with any of the people and it wasnt worth it... Honestly the girls this year were really kinda bitchy and not really social!!! didn't feel like a team just felt like everyone was out for themselves!

Damn Doctors!!!

So the fricken doctors crack me up... you pay them tons of money for them to tell ya stuff that you already know!!! I swear I could be a doctor... haha ok we wont go that far!!! lol.... but seriously maybe its half my fault since my doctors like the grim reaper..... as for this shopping addiction that I've recently started.... im going to have to quit lol i'm soooo going to be broke.... I bought a pair of capris today and a jean skirt!!! ahhhh i think im just to excited for summer!!!! i'm so going to be broke lol!!! i think i need more shirts now bahhahahahahaha
p.s.
I'm done with him!!!! starting now!!!!
Don't make someone a priority when your only their option!!!

SHOPPING!!!!

I love SHOPPING!!! So I went shopping today and bought some summer clothes!!!! Ahhhh it makes me soooo excited!!! I absolutely love summer!!! Shopping today made me look forward to laying out at the lake and getting a tan, or hanging out by the fire at night, or camping!!!! 11 weeks till summer!!!!

Valentines Day

When I start doubting him he surprises me.... I got a call today just to say Happy Valentines Day... He honestly surprises me when I really think that he doesn't care anymore... There's a difference between just saying I love you and actually meaning it and I feel like for a little while he was just saying it and not putting any meaning behind it.... It really brought a smile to my face just too know that he was thinking of me today.... It bothers me how one guy can control my emotions... it's crazy... I'm sooo in love with this one person and can't really see myself with anyone else...

Please be safe!

It worries me that your going to have to go over and fight...
I know with you gone I'm not going to be able to sleep at night...
Just please be safe is all I ask...
If something would happen to you I would not last...
I know you told me to be happy if you were to leave...
But I wouldn't be able to because you wouldn't be next to me...
So please be safe while your gone...
I'll wait for the day when we can move on...
And we can be happy just the two of us...
Our love still going strong...

12/27/2008

Have you ever met someone and just clicked right away?
So much that you just want them to stay.
Your scared for them to leave because with them by your side it's the happiest you'll ever be.
Once their gone you never feel the same,
They take a piece of you when they go away.
The people around you don't understand how you feel,
They'll never know how loved he makes you feel.
I'll wait for the day your by my side,
But until then my pain I'll continue to hide.

12/24/2008

Since the first day I met you,
I knew you were special.
I got butterflies and couldn't speak,
In a instant you had total control over me,
I knew from then on I found my soul mate, my prince, my best friend.
One single moment with you makes my life complete.
Even though you've been gone my feelings haven't changed.
Your still the most amazing man I know.
My lover and my best friend.

11/7/2008

I've stayed optimistic for so long
But now I'm starting to wonder
if it's all just a childish dream,
The fairy tale story
with the prince that will rescue me from this loneliness I call my life,
When are you going to realize your the only prince I want,
I miss seeing the sparkle of your beautiful baby blues,
your touch that sends shivers through my body,
Your soft kiss that makes my knees buckle,
Open your eyes and see no one could possibly love you as much as I do,
I know we're meant for each other,
I just hope one day you see that too!

Oct 2008 You still love me

It's been 3 years,
and I'm still holding on,
To something I know won't happen,
I try to let go,
But my love for you won't let me,
You seem like your doing fine,
With the way things are,
I wish I could feel that way to,
Why can't I let go and love another,
i'm scared I'll push the right one away,
Because I refuse to let you go!
Maybe I need to forget the past,
It's so hard to do because I wasn't ready for us to be over.
Do I continue being lonely,
Or try to push you out of my heart?
Somethings got to change because I don't like who I am,
I act happy so no one see's how much I'm still missing you!
How do I push you out when what I want the most if for you to come home,
Wrap me in your arms and tell me you still love me!

Stuck

Why do I feel like the only one in this crowded world?
No friends around me when I need them the most,
My tears are shed but nobody knows,
I cry inside for the happy girl I used to be,
I'm scared she'll never come back and I'll be stuck with me,
The loner that nobody calls to have fun,
The girl that is broken in more ways then one.

Good Bye 9/18/2006

I have to say good bye,
I can't keep holding on,
Our dreams are crushed,
Now that your gone!
It makes me want to cry,
Knowing I'm going to love you till the day that I die,
I hope another comes along to take this pain that I have away,
I can't carry it around another day,
I hope he fills the emptiness in my heart,
That I've had since we've been apart,
I won't forget you my dear sweet love,
But for me to keep holding on just wouldn't be right,
But just so you know You'll always have a special place in my heart!!

8/10/2006 Prince Charming

Why can't I find a guy that's really true,
That just wants me and no one else,
Who calls me pretty sweet and smart,
Who knows what he wants right from the start,
Who doesn't play games and mess with my heart,
Whose sincere, honest, and true,
But yet playful like very few,
Where is this great guy that I can finally call my own,
The one that won't hurt me or do any wrong,
I guess I'll just have to keep searching for you,
My prince charming the one thats to good to be true!!

6/29/2004 More ways then one

We used to just sit there and watch TV,
But that was when you were into me,
I wish you would just get outta my hair,
Let the past go your not being fair,
I don't need you to be there at night making me want to fight,
Your so cruel to me that I want to cry,
But I won't because I can't let anyone see what your doing to me,
They tell me your just mad because your not with me,
But didn't you see you still had me,
But now after the bitch, hoe, whore and dirty,
You've got my self esteem so low that there's no where else it can go,
So thank you for all that you've done,
I hope you had tons of fun,
Because You've hurt me in more ways then one!!

Stay

I wish you were here to hold me tight everyday and night,
I can't believe they sent you away,
All I wanted was for you to stay,
Just come back to me I beg you please,
We'll be as happy as we can be,
I don't wanna be with anyone but you,
I know it sounds crazy but its true,
I'm just so madly in love with you!!

Love

Now that were not going to be together,
I guess I have to let you go,
I have more pain then you'll ever know,
When I see you in the halls I just wanna run up and hold you,
But I know I can't because it's not right,
I wanna be friends and not fight,
But seeing you with her makes me want to cry,
All our friends say we should be together and I believe that's true,
Because we had more love then any other two,
So until you see what I see I'll say good-bye to you,
But you need to know I'll always love you!!!

2/12/09

I can't help but wonder when it's going to be my time to be happy. With everything thats been going on in my life it feels like it won't be any time soon.. I think I've been to concerned about whats going on with Billy and I that I forget to live everyday. It sucks that he's away and I can't get over that but I also need to learn to just live... If its supposed to happen it will one day. I hope it does because I honestly can't see myself without him. I look around and see all my friends happy with their boyfriends and I wonder what my future is going to be like. I can see myself moving to South Carolina but yet I don't want to leave my family... Do I move for love or do I stay and always wonder what would have happened?